She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
