You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
