Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
