I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
