Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
