Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
