my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
