I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize