if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
