If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
