May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Girls should come with a carfax report
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
