What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
