Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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