i think my tv is drunk
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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