Tell her she can't have a vagina
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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