I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
