:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
