Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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