So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
