I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
