Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
