Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm passing your future prison.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
