There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize