You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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