I wish my penis had an off switch
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
