i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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