So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
