We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
