I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize