my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
