Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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