just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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