We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
