i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
