your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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