I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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