The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
