at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I checked into jail on foursquare
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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