There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I checked into jail on foursquare
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
