Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have feelings that need drinking.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
