How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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