Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
only you would photoshop your dick
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
