remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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