The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
