I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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