I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
