last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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