I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My dick has a subreddit
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
