this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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