life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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