I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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