for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
