Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
