don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
