He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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