does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
