Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
