im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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