My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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