you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
