i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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